Helen of Troy: The face that launched a thousand ships

For those who don’t know. Helen of Troy is from Greek mythology. Helen is depicted as being a beautiful young woman who catches the eye and interest of a young Paris, Prince of Troy, only she’s already married to the King of Sparta. Helen runs off with Paris but the King is determined to have the last word, as he embarks on quest for blood and love, and leads his troops to a 10 year battle. 

Wow! 

As I picture this story, I make a parallel to our own bodies. We ourselves are armed with multiple barriers and défense mechanism. We are wired for survival and programmed to defend against harm and threat, whether that threat be real or perceived. 

My Health Scare

Last summer I had the opportunity to experience this first hand when my hands and feet became severely inflamed. All the joints in my hands, shoulders, knees and feet were affected. I was in excruciating pain and struggled to move. I wondered what was going on with me? I followed up with my doctor and they did many tests. Nothing definitive came up. Other than an increased inflammatory marker in the blood work, and some very low iron levels, which I’ll get to later on.

The antihistamines that I was given worked moderately, though the inflammation went away initially it would come back more rampant. I couldn’t put a finger on it, and neither could the doctors on what had caused this. I was to monitor this closely and let them know what came up. 

I can’t deny how worried I was in the early stages of this, concerned that this could be the onset of a potentially more severe or chronic problem. I wondered what it would be like if I all of a sudden had an attack and couldn’t walk or write, get dressed or feed myself, if I couldn’t drive or work or hold my newborn child one day. And the pain! What if I had to live the rest of my life in that much pain. My mind went over it all.

Herbal Medicine

Relief came a few days later when my mother made a herb bath for my feet to soak, it took a few soaks over the course of a few days but eventually the inflammation was gone and the flare ups were minimal to gone. My doctor praised my mom for her smart thinking and so did I. My mom such as wise woman said, It’s the stress and the anger. I’m creole, ´move sang ‘ which roughly translates to bad blood. What herbs do you reckon she had used? Haitian herbs for blood. Here I was pondering, how could it all be related, just a few weeks prior I had gotten very mad and I had been fuming every since, ruminating, sitting, stewing in anger and frustration. And on the outside, I looked fine, mentally and emotionally wrecked but presenting  « fine », until I wasn’t. And this I couldn’t stuff away, hide or ignore. 

Suppressing Anger

Helen of Troy, the face that launched a thousand ships. This one triggering event had launched a series of events, thoughts, emotions and physical ailments on me that would have me fearing the worst. And had me thinking very carefully about my anger and where I allowed it to live. 

For a long time I prided myself on controlling my anger and doing a good job at staying level headed and keeping it a bay from others, but you can’t escape your emotions, and all it truly meant is that I was letting it do damage inside of me.

I was too accustomed to stress, too familiar with frustration. I realized that I had to do a better job at getting my needs met and my boundaries respected, because my body was communicating, to me, that it was done being ignored and something had to give. 

Ignoring my body

Iron deficiency, zinc deficiency, how long had I been tired, or complained of cold extremities or always feeling cold, hair breaking off when that was not my norm. My body had been crying out for years! And Ignored it.

When I made the initial decision to become vegan it was after watching a YouTube video, I was very excited as I embarked on my new health and fitness journey and vegan and vegetarian was the advertised standard for healthy living, throw away the red meat and animal products, plant based all the way, was encouraged and promoted for overall physical, mental and even environment health. I was seeking healthy. I wanted to be perfectly healthy. And so I wanted to go vegan…raw vegan! I had the sense to see a registered dietitian through my family health team first, they were concerned and told me to try going vegan and vegetarian alone and ditch the raw part. I was reluctant to listen but I did. My family looked on concerned, especially my mom, who begged me each time to eat meat. I was determined to make it work.

I looked up recipes. Even as a broke student I did my best to be vegetarian though the options around for a broke student on the go was very limited. When I graduated and started working I had more autonomy and freedom to dictate what I ate. And I continued to strive. Not making any connection to the breakage in my hair or the change in texture. Instead I strived even more and focused on deep conditioner treatments and trims, protective styles. Because I had also made the decision to go natural at the time!

Struggling with my self-image

For those who aren’t familiar with that term, it’s used to describe the process of no longer chemically processing your hair and embracing your natural hair texture. I clung to what I saw on YouTube videos and read in blogs, my only pursuit was to grow my hair back to the length it was before I big chopped. I wanted my long hair. I felt ugly without it. I didn’t recognize who I was looking at in the mirror. This version of me didn’t get stopped in the street for compliments. This version of me couldn’t do pin curls and rock the soft old Hollywood look I loved so much. This version of my didn’t match my style.

This version of me got weird looks and even weirder commentary it seemed from about everyone because of course going natural is an invitation to have everyone comment on your looks. I hated this version of me, and told myself as much, everyday. 

My mental health was taking a punch, no duh! Stress and trauma we’re all catching up to me. It was a rough time, but I persevered. I kept going. So motivated to just keep going. And the pandemic hit and find myself a health care professional in the midst of the biggest health crisis of my career up until that point and potentially of my entire career. Failed romances and heartache. In the midst of it, I paused for family and friends, for therapy, for reiki and yoga. I found support and soothing balms. Needless to say it’s been a journey to today.

Inner Knowing and discovering my True Self

And while at times I sought a cure, what I found is a deep compassion, appreciation, respect and love for myself and others. I found the need to listen. To quiet the noise all around me and tune in to my essence, my inner knowing, the source of who I was.

I feel more confident, in who I am, more now than ever before, I’ve been so many different versions of myself over the years. And as I’ve grown in my own inner knowing and experiences I appreciate that I’m bound to discover even more versions of myself.

For a long time I was so stuck in fixing or creating this one image I had of me,  and lost all of me. But I found myself again and again and again. A new version of me, each time. At this current intersection, I find myself rethinking my entire career path, exploring new ways to connect and be, I am no longer vegan/vegetarian.

I’m far away from that scared, insecure know it all I used to be. I now know the wisdom of my experiences and have the humility and grace to keep experiencing more, open to and excited to keep living and wellness is at the intersection of all of it.

If I’m just willing to listen. To pause and pivot when I need to, to let go of any attachment.

Be your own Helen, be the face that launches the ships to your new day. Listen to the whispers of your mind, body, spirit, what are they telling you, are you ready and willing to listen?